I Can't Sleep Because My Heart Hurts

I'm looking around this room
and I can't breathe.

fifteen months, give or take
and he really fucked up.

how are we supposed to make ourselves stop loving someone? when it hurts so much to think about the prospect.
i think of my brother.
I thought it would be easier for him to let go of her because of how badly she fucked up. I mean really messed up, lost her fucking mind.
but if i feel like my soul is cracking after a year, how must he feel after nearly eight?
he seems to have moved on, however
but i don't think i can do that so quickly. the absolute last things i want to do are put up with his shit, and lose him.
i don't know if they go in that order.
i don't understand what happened. i mean i get what actually happened, that part is vivid, particularly in retrospect, but i don't know why.
why why why

i deserve better. but i don't want just any old better, i want his better.
i don't know if i am willing to wait, though.

i can't sleep. because my heart hurts.

august is practically gone, and good riddance, anyway. soon will be september, and that means the beginning of fall. fall is my peace season, because of both the temperature and everything else it brings.

honestly, this year is great, but i feel like i'm at a standstill. i know its just because of this stupid waste of a week, where i did nothing but fall off a mother fucking bike.

i have to miss my first class because of my stupid ass doctors. in the er, they said that i fractured my arm, but my primary doc seems to think there is nothing. which is fine, but they present it like i made the whole thing up. your doctor isn't supposed to make you feel like some kind of medical attention junkie. fuck physicians man.

i'm sick of just sitting here, in active, with a stupid arm that won't do anything, and it's stupid raining and giving me a bad attitude.

re reading all that, three letters come to mind: P.M.S.

but its better to get it out here, rather than continue to subject everyone else to it right?

It's all ok by me

guess what guys.

less than one month, and we will be sitting pretty in our new home in allendale. Oh, how the tequila and rum will flow, my friends, yes sir.

apparently 8 is a party, though, so if we want to keep our apartment, we have to keep in on the down low.

i went into allendale yesterday and took care of a few things. interview, books, rent. i was going to work out, but i didn't. i did go for a walk, from campus view to the arboretum. a few things are different, not much. with the exception of course of the major additions to both kirkhoff and mackinac hall.

i brought the boy with me. its nice that he wants to go with me to things as mundane as book buying. he knows that school makes me happy, though, and its good to be with the people you care about when they are doing what they enjoy.

i spose i'll keep him around for a while. he seems to like me. he is intelligent enough, i can understand him and he can understand me. he is ambitious, natural, and i believe he has a good heart. and he makes me happy. he isn't so bad, really.

sometimes i worry about whats going to happen in the future. more the near future. some things are just too far away to worry about.and some things i can get excited for, but other things LOOM. but i'm finding more and more though that if you go with your gut, then things tend to fall into, if not the place you expect them to, at least the kind of place where you can kind of look at it and go "yeah, that'll work there" (and then you realize how great it is and don't move it for 30 years.)

i have confidence that most of the people that are important to me are going in good directions. even if it doesn't feel that way, i know in the back there somewhere that its all good, kids, it ain't no thang.

our second year of college.

holy shit.

الله أكبر

Scheduling was kind of crappy, but I have it all figured out. No more français pour moi, but we are starting arabic so that's all good. I talked to my professor and he is making me feel very excited about all the things I want to do.


Maybe its a good time to make some changes.

Now all I need to know is... his court or mine?

9 to 5

Spring break is coming to a close, my friends, and what did I do? I spent the entire time either at Calvin hanging out or at my house hanging out. I recommend the movie "No Country For Old Men". It's such great film. I thought the exchanges between Anton and his victms were particularly engaging. He's completely eccentric: totally unreachable, stoic.

And check out the incredibly creeper haircut. Pretty much screams "I'm going to shoot you in the forehead with a captive bolt pistol." Go see this movie, you'll be disturbed and intriged, I promise.

ALSO OK go is coming to Calvin! Wednesday, April 23!


Last thought for the day: absolutely check out this video
http://youtube.com/watch?v=r_9b1FCmffE&feature=related